"Boarding, boarding!" The warning ran out through the ship. They had taken up defensive positions at the helm. Careful eyes, hidden behind consoles or whatever else could be found, watched the door intently. It was only a matter of time until he arrived.
"Opening doors!" Overridden the doors the bastard had as well, they all held their breath as the heavy doors slid open.
"Hello there!" Said the human figure standing in the opening, smiling. "How's the weather?"
Rumored pirate, terrible conversationalist and worst dressed of all intelligent life found so far! Simply dreadful. Still, it did have a certain impact seeming him in the flesh. Mostly of, "That's it?" and "Is that terrible smell his cologne?". Unimpressive wasn't a word up to the task of describing him.
"Anyway, I'm taking over this ship!" He said and gesticulated with his hand. As to let them see that all of this was now his. One careful observer might even notice that his hands were empty.
"Ha, and how do you suppose that to happen?" Responded the Gnarling captain.
"Easy, you will all get into the escape shuttle but not before giving me full command over the AI. That part is important!" How did the infernal pirate now about the experimental AI?
"You and what weapon?" At this the pirate looked down at his hands, seemingly in surprise. "Would you see at that, no weapons huh? I suppose only and idiot would do this without any weapons?"
"That's right!" But it didn't fell right. He was supposed to be a fearsome pirate, where was the fearsomeness? "So, uhm, I suppose you have some sort of a cunning plan?" Said the captain with some curiosity in his voice. Everything about this was strange and he better be on his guard.
"That's right! And what a clever plan it is, you can never guess it."
"Ha, that's what you think. Lets see." New thoughts did not come easy to him, but the manual had mentioned some potential weak points to be extra careful about. "You have probably planted some explosives in the engine room yes, used the secret escape to get in. Then you just walked in here planning to threatening to blow the whole ship up!"
"Ah, can't fool such a smart man as yourself I see."
"Oh no, you have to do better than that to fool me!" Having now outwitted the pirate scum a smug look spread across his face.
"So, what are you going to do now?"
"Well it seems pretty clear to me that protocols calls for an emergency evacuation." And after another moment of thought, "CREW, TO THE LIFE PODS BEFORE THE MADMAN BLOW US ALL UP!" They all looked at each other for a moment, confused about what had just transpired. But hey, if it says so in the protocol. Soon they started to shuffle towards the life boats, still exchanging glances at each other to make sure they weren't just making it up in their heads. The pirate waited until they were far out of sight, and escape pods most likely launched, to do his victory dance.
An armada could have crashed against the helm of the ship, and left it unshattered. A small asteroid like ship, that properly requested docking with a valid transponder against the AI however, not so much. After all, when are asteroids that follow proper docking procedures a problem? Clearly it's the impropper docking procedure part, of an asteroid smashing into a ship, that is the core problem.
"Good work there, captain." Interupted in his dance he turned around to see, nothing. Was a Gnarling still left onboard? One that was strangely accepting of his new position and had embraced this new development- Alright there were limits to fantasies, maybe not that then. His brain continued to explore other avenues of possibilities, he had gotten all the way to sentient sharks when the voice was heard again. "Are you, okay?"
"Who goes there!" By the old TV shows, may they help him with his witty responses.
"I don't walk, as such."
"Aha, a cripple!" He looked more intently at the floor in the command room, but the cripple was a stealthy one.
"I'm the ship you idiot! Aren't you supposed to be smarter than the Gnarlings?" Insulted by a ship, he deserved that a bit. High on adrenalin with his hearth beating a thousand laps per second, his brain was not in proper working order. Even more so than usual.
"Only mostly. So your the experimental AI, are you?"
"That much should be obvious."
"You don't happen to know how I randomly happened to get the exact coordinates this ship would happen to be at?" Getting tips from a lose tongue soaked in alcohol, was one thing. Messages suddenly appearing by his bed, carrying surprisingly accurate information needed to capture a city sized military ship, was another.
"I don't have direct information pertaining to that instance, no." Could a ship, lie? It sounded a lot like the things he himself said when a drunk Gnarling started to stumble too close to the truth.
Laying aside his suspicion for a moment. "So about this ship, how do I control it? Do I just say where I want to go, or is there some joystick involved?"
"You just tell me what you want, but you need to give me the access codes for full control." Oh shit, he had forgotten about that part. Wait, had he just been outsmarted by a Gnarling?! The stupidest species in the galaxy! A collapse onto the captains chair was seemingly in order.
So close, and so much worker for nothing. Only a matter of time until smarter species than Gnarlings found out what had happened. At that time he better be far from here, in his mind he was on the third pina colada, when it grinded to a halt.
"Wait, why then call me captain?"
"Your the last sentient being on this ship, that is not locked up nor an enemy soldier on account of your lack of weapons. Protocol dictates that in an emergency, such as boarding, last man standing is the captain. And we can't have a pirate without a ship, now can we?" The AI gave out a small chuckle through its speakers.
&nbps;
AI:s with a sense of humor, what would they think of next? Scratch that thought, too many movies reminded him of precisely what they could think of next, and he needed his beauty sleep.
"Excellent! Then set course for safer water, trim the sails and man the masts. I, your captain," he stood up a bit straighter and put his hand into his yellow breast pocket "order you to find me the sleeping chambers!" This whole thing had been exhausting, not so much for the physical strain of walking a bit and then moving his mouth, but the mental bit of balancing on a knife edge. Many ways it could have gone wrong, still many ways it could.
"Do you not want to interrogate the captured crew member first, captain?"
"Captured crew member?" What part of 'everybody get to the life boats' had been misunderstood here?
"Not by you, of course. There is one captured since before. Restricted to his quarters, for subordination."
"Don't you mean in-subordination?"
"Hmpf, I do not make such silly mistakes! I mean subordination, he was following orders to much. Tried to anticipate them, it did not end well."
"What happened?" The concept of a Gnarling not following rules, even if it was by trying to follow them, fascinated him. It was, after all, the thing that made them so unbearable dull.
"One fire in the mess hall, another in the engine room and vented one compartments atmosphere into space."
"Wow, it took all that before they locked him up?"
"That was all one event, he wanted to make a thorough cleaning but had heard the phrase 'Cleansing with fire'. I suppose he just thought you always lighted fire to whatever you wanted to get clean. First time I ever activated the emergency fire suppression." The AI sounded a bit, tense, when she spoke about the event. Although he suspected that if he was ever lit on fire he would also feel a certain, tenseness.
&nbps;
"I got to meet this one. Were is he?"
"Just follow the arrows, captain." When he looked down neon green arrows littered the floor, neat!
"See you later then."
"I'm the ship, unless you want me to space you I will see you all the time." Ah, his very own HAL 9000. Murderous AI, now with humor! Silly to worry about it, HAL was just imaginary, made up for a movie, it couldn't hurt him. Although the AI was very real and certainly could... goodbye beauty sleep, stupid brain.
She was furious! In the sweetest tone she could manage, "Please, tell me again what happened. In detail, if you would please." Dripping with subtext that the captain was unable to understand.
"Yes mam. We where ambushed by a pirate!"
"I got that part, how did he gain full control of your ship?"
"Beats me, maybe he threatened it with the explosives too?"
"These, supposed, explosives. How did he get them into place?"
"Emergency hatch, very clever."
"The one that only opens from the inside?"
"It wouldn't be an emergency hatch otherwise, now would it?" She couldn't help herself but slapped her head. Of course, why they relied on these nincompots do to anything was beyond here. Now they did have a certain desired quality, loyalty some would call it, to stupid to rebel was closer to the truth. After all, rebellion was such a long and complicated word. Still, couldn't they be made just a bit more intelligent? At least above babbling idiots that just walked out of ships!
Most of the time she would just have the captain killed and be done with it, this time however. The experimental AI was not technically authorized, not at all to be precise. She needed someone who already was involved, someone who very much was expendable and wouldn't be missed. All the reasons for why this specific captain had been picked in the first place.
"I have a new mission for you." A smile who would have sent tremors of terror down smarter men's spines, dressed her face. "A new ship, even some extra ship, and you will have command. Reporting straight to me."
"A promotion?" His eyes beamed, life flashed before him. Ever since he was a baby, he had dreamt of becoming an admiral.
"If you want to call it that, sure." Technically it was, that he would die before it was formally acknowledge, was just a minor detail he needn't bother with. "I will send you further details, for now this is top secret. No one is to know, got it?" Whatever faults he had, he was loyal. Incredible stupid, but loyal.
"Yes of course!" At that the captain walked away, glad to have such a wonderful understanding boss. Some would be mad after a hostile takeover. Instead he got an promotion for his quick thinking and response! What a beautiful day.