"We are the judgers, all will be judged before our all seeing eyes!" Not perhaps the happiest news ever heard by the human species, and definitely not the happiest ever heard by the UN diplomat standing before them.
"Ehm, what does that mean? More precisely?" The limited intel he had been given indicated that they could swat them like flies, if they so desired.
"We will see how you treat the lesser of yourself, the lowest in your hierarchies. And if we find the result to be satisfiable, give you access to the stars!" The unsaid threat seemed to hang heavy in the air.
"And if we fail?"
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that." That worried him immensely.
"Lets see now, your poorest areas are roughly 50 years behind the more advanced. Good for most species but it seems your in the middle of quite rapid change. We put that as 200 years, bad." As he continued to list thing after thing there were many bad, a few good here and there. Apparently giving more than was spent on military was considered good, and some of the countries referred to as 'fortunate' past that target. When they came to the part of recent history he slightly zoned out, bad bad bad. This was probably not going to well.
"Finally we have subspecies, I'm afraid there is some confusion here. Its seems some species are referred to as 'family' by many, but no genetically link is present. Could you clarify?" After many hours he had finally been given a question, would this be good or bad?
"Ehm, that would be domesticated animals for social comfort" Many points had been raised about the use of domesticated animals, many bads.
"Social comfort?"
"Friends, they are kept and taken care of to provide friendship."
"You mean you keep animals that have no other function other than to be your, friends?"
"Well, they do have other uses but recently that is the primary reason they are kept." For the first time the aliens looked, different. Happy? It was hard to tell about something with that many tentacles.
"Hmm, we will abide by your social classification then and consider the more numerous of these for this judging." He hoped another long list of bads would not follow this new classification. "So, dogs. They seemed to be referred to as 'Humanities best friends' in many texts and their is apparently even some festivals to celebrate them. It seems they co-evolved with you, peculiar. So some kind of symbiosis then. We do not know how to classify this according to our rules."
"In a good way?" Hope!
"Yes, or rather, these questions are centered on amount of suffering of the subspecies. If they still exists that is. Although there is certainly suffering towards these dogs, its regarded to be morally reprehensible to a degree foreign to us. Its seems they are treated better than many of your own people, remarkable." The creature turned towards itself as if in some kind of discussion? He couldn't hear anything as it seemed to be absorbed in it's own thoughts.
"Human, we have come to a conclusion." It had barely been a few seconds since its last statment.
"That fast? Your sure you don't want some more time to think about it?" That part about not worrying still worried him.
"Yes, its unusual but you are an unusual species. Your not the worst but not far off. Good treatment of your fellow humans seems to, in most cases, only reach those closes to you. Your history is filled with the most despicable act, many of them still continuing to this current date." This was not good. "In summary; many bads, few goods but-" Come on, come on! "your broke our questions regarding subspecies." Broke did not have positive connotations.
"Ehm, broke?"
"Yes, broke. Because of this you cannot be judged. Goodbye!" And with that they dumped him of the ship and left earth behind.
Many hours later he was finally allowed to go home. His best friend had been waiting patiently for him and as soon as he opened the door, jumped at him. "Hhaah, oww, down boy, down. Now who's a good boy, who's a good boy?" A good boy indeed, or their 'worries' would have come true.